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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.